Not Fair

God started breaking my heart and molding me from the very first day we were in Nsoko. Our first full day there was the 6th of June, which was a Saturday. We really just took the day to rest from our extensive plane ride and travels from JoBurg to Manzini, then finally to Nsoko. All we did was play with kids, and it was so much fun. We brought a guitar (such a blessing on this trip!) and we played it outside on the back deck for so long. We danced with the kids... yes, I danced... and we had a blast together. We sang, we played games, and I instantly fell in love with the place. Here's part of what I wrote in my journal, "The joy in some of the kids' faces was incredible. Some of them had looks of emptiness that was heartbreaking. The smells were unbelievable." Remembering some of the kids that had empty stares is still heartbreaking. As much as we tried to get them to open up and play, they didn't budge. What kind of tragedies does a child go through that they can't even smile? I saw a lot of empty faces on this trip, and you just don't get used to it. A child should be able to laugh and dance and play and have no worries. It's not like that there. And the smells... I don't think I ever got used to that. We saw the same kids day in and day out and they always had the same clothes on. Water is precious and they can't waste it just to bathe and wash their clothes.
That night, while dinner was being cooked, we saw some kids had come back and were sitting outside. So, Kyra and I went outside to sit with the 4 kids. I recognized one of them from the day when I was playing with her... which at the time I thought was a boy because her voice was so deep from always being sick and coughing all the time. Later I found out her name was Bongiwe, she's 12, and is in grade 4. Anyway, we sat there and I held her hand for awhile. It's incredible how much love they receive just by holding someone's hand. Becca came out with the guitar and sang worship music. A few other teammates came out as well and sat underneath the incredible stars and worshiped God by candellight. By that time I was holding Bongiwe in front of me while I sat on the gravel. She was resting her head on her hand and kept dozing off, so I finally positioned her so she could rest her head on my chest. She slept on me for a good two and half hours, if not more. The whole time I kept wondering when the last time she was held while she slept. Or even when the last time she slept in a warm place. All I could think of doing was pouring out love on her because she probably doesn't get it at home... and much later I found out that her dad ran off or died (I can't remember) and her mom doesn't care about them and does drugs. I didn't want anything to stop God using me to love her. My back hurt after about 20 minutes... my butt was completely numb... she peed on me at some point... but God gave me strength and willpower to persevere through that and not move. I'll never forget sitting there under the stars, holding her, singing to God. Finally Matt, our leader, came outside and saw the kids. He called Pastor Gift to tell him, and he told us we were going to drive them home. We got in the kombi and drove. They have to walk so far. And they didn't have shoes. It's just not fair. We got to their driveway and helped them get out. It was hard just seeing them walk away, not knowing what kind of environment they were going into. Obviously their parents didn't care, because no one came looking for them. On the way back we just rode in silence and I talked to God. It's just not fair. Why should I get fed 3 meals a day when she's lucky to get one, and has to walk miles just to get it? It's not fair that they live in such poverty when we have so much. It's not fair that they don't receive the amount of love they deserve. It's just not fair. The next morning when I was cleaning up breakfast, she was back. So early in the morning, when no other kids were there, she was. She's there all day looking for love because she can't find someone at home to love on her the same way. It's just not fair.

Bongiwe and I

I Left My Heart in Nsoko

Home. I'm back home on America soil, yet my heart is still in Nsoko which has been my home for the past two months. Will I ever feel completely at home here again? I don't know. Will my heart ever be completely whole again? Doubtful. How do you tell people that have become your family goodbye that you may never see again? I may not get to go back to Nsoko. And if I do, there's a very high chance that some of the people I was closest to won't be there anymore whether it's from AIDS, TB, or any other countless disease. I have to say, a lot of tears on my part were involved.
I remember the day God broke my heart. It was weird the whole trip because I never really cried even with all the heartache around me. I teared up a few times, but that was it. Well, 4 days before we left, the floodgates opened. My ministry team and I had been visiting a woman, Pauline, and her 3 or 4 year old grandson, Wiseman, a few times during the last month or so. This woman has the most joy I've ever seen. It's incredibly beautiful. We had been playing worship songs at church and we sang I'll Fly Away and she told us how much she enjoyed us singing. We decided to go back and play music for her... her own personal, private concert. So Austin, Anna, and I went and we took along Becca and the guitar. The first song we sang was More Than Life and as we were singing, Pauline was crying. When we were done with the song, Pauline told us, via our translator Thandie, that she was so sad we were leaving. We're the only people that ever come to visit her and invest in her. She knows people in the community, but no one ever comes to visit her and spend time with her. What's going to happen to her spirit now that we're gone? Is God going to send someone her way to invest time with her? We continued singing after we spoke a few words of encouragement. I looked around. Pauline was still crying. Thandie was crying... they were not only our translators, but our family. The dam broke and I cried. I can handle my pain and my sadness, but knowing the affect our departure was going to have on the Swazi people was what I couldn't take. We get to come back to America with our families and friends and continue our life. These people don't have that. When we left, they had to go back to their old lives, with the same people, the same heartache, and the same pain. And they were sad to see us go. Our leaving affected them just as much as it did us, if not more. As we were singing, we all sobbed. We were all heartbroken. When we finished the last song, we talked to Pauline and Thandie translated for us. A few sentenced were spoken and as Thandie was trying to translate she had to stop because she couldn't speak. She was weeping. I went to sit next to Pauline and Anna and I prayed for her as Austin and Becca prayed for Thandie. That was hands down the most intense worship session ever. And I was broken. There were many, many more tears the next 4 days, especially the day we left, but I'll save that for another post.
I miss everything about Nsoko and I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal completely. I miss my two girls, Colile and Phetsile. I miss constantly having kids around. I miss kids sitting on my lap until I couldn't feel my butt anymore. I miss the thorns even though they killed my feet. I miss not showering for 14 days and not being judged. I miss worshiping with my team. I miss sitting outside with Becca while she sang... just me, her, and God. I miss blowing up Axe bottles and bug spray cans in our fire pit. I miss the landscape of Nsoko and the lack of color. There's too much color here in America when they don't have any. I miss sitting with Bongiwe and holding her hand. I miss watching net ball and soccer with the Swazis. I even miss being sick. And all my little wormy friends living inside me. I miss walking to the little store with my team and some kids, buying them soda and seeing the joy on their faces as they drank it. I miss walking to the train tracks with Becca to go spend quiet time with God. I miss smashing coins and bottle caps at the tracks. I miss making balloon animals (yes, I went to Africa and learned how to make balloon animals). I miss having dirty feet. I miss all 17 of us squeezing into our kombi, aka van. I could go on and on. I miss everything, good and bad.

Pauline, Wiseman, Anna, and I the day we left Nsoko

My girls, Colile and Phetsile

God. Is. Amazing. And this picture doesn't do it justice.

Our kombi... it doesn't look sketch at all...

Abbie and Phiwa

Neliswa

Phiwa and I... cutest baby I've ever seen

Colile and I... the day we had to say goodbye

Andy Stanley... in a mall in South Africa. Crazy, huh?

Abbie, Anna, me, and Becca

I'm Leaving... on a Jet Plane

Well, I'm leaving tomorrow for training camp before we fly out to Swazi. I don't have much time to make this a great post or anything seeing as I still have to pack my personal suitcase and carry-on and it's already 4 in the morning. Good thing I'm used to not getting much sleep! I'm leaving the house around 3:30. I'll probably have my phone so I can text and such, but I can't take it to camp so once I get there, that's it. I'll try to update this every time I get a chance to go to an internet cafe. I was told it would be every couple weeks or every week, but sometimes we just have to go with the flow if things aren't as expected. And you can send me emails as well! I can check that and respond if I have time. Thank you for all your prayers. I appreciate them all and they mean the world to me. I love you all.

... not by sight.

Some of you know that I've kind of been freaking out about going to Africa. All these "what ifs" kept popping into my head and I couldn't shake them. What if I don't measure up to my teammates? What if something happens to me and I leave my family behind? What if? Everyone on my team keeps reminding each other, "11 more days!!" "10 more days!!!!" Everyone was so excited, and I said I was too. In actuality, it freaked me the heck out. How could I be leaving in less than two weeks? It was so easy to think about it months ago because it wasn't as real. Now, it's 9 days until I leave and it's more real now than ever. I think I had kind of forgotten why I'm going to Africa. My mind was too overpowered by all these negative thoughts. I think God's given me angels as friends... they've been so encouraging and their prayers have been felt SO much, especially in the past day or two. I feel like God is giving me reminders in why I'm going. I found a quote on some guy's profile that I've never met... insomnia leads to stalking! Don't judge me for being a creeper. The quotes goes like this: "as long as we are seeking God there will be challenges before us. Whether we accept or deny them, determines whether we are in fact still seeking." When I read that 2 days ago, it just hit me: I'm going to Africa to seek God. No matter what challenges I face, I'm going to continue to seek Him. He's called me to Africa to live for 2 months... and though that may be scary and present challenges, I'm going because I'm seeking Him. How could I have forgotten something as basic as that? I don't know, but God's brought that truth back into my heart via a stranger's Facebook profile.
Also, I think a lot of my fears have to do with the unknown. I know God's going to push me out of my comfort zone, but I have no idea what that entails. I know I'm going to be pushed physically, spiritually, and mentally, but I still have no idea what that entails. I know I'm going to a country full of diseases, but I don't know what that entails. But isn't that where faith comes in? God kind of reminded me of the name of my blog. Walk by Faith... not by sight. I may not know what's going to happen in Africa, but I know it's where I'm supposed to go... so I have faith that it will be good. One of my favorite quotes is by MLK Jr., and he said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." In the past, I've taken this first step even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. Recently, I took this step, knowing it was what God was calling me to do. I was scared to death, yet I trusted and had faith. I haven't seen the full frution of this, but I've already seen so many blessings from it already. So, what makes going to Africa any different? It may make me a little nervous, but God's got my back. God is going to take care of me, and has my best interests at heart. Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Such a basic verse that I've heard so many times, but it packs such amazing truth. God has my life planned out. I know this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and that should be good enough for me.

But the Greatest of These is Love

1 Corinthians 13:13: "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." Do you ever love someone so much you think your heart might burst? Or you just want to cry? I don't know, maybe I'm the only crazy one. I think that love is one of the greatest gifts God's ever given us. We are called to love everyone unconditionally; that's what He did for us. Sometimes I wonder if I love people too quickly and too intensely, but I don't think you can love someone too much. I genuinely love the people that I'm going to Africa with, and I've never even met them. We've talked on Facebook and that's it, yet I really and truly love them. I fell in love with my Alpha Gam family almost instantly. And my love for them has grown pretty intensely. What can I say... we're pretty amazing. I loved my Big before I even knew she was going to be my Big, before I even knew her name. Watching the season finale of Grey's reminded me that I'm not guaranteed a tomorrow, and that we must tell those we love how much they mean to us. I might say "I love you" too much, and I don't want it to get worn out, but when I say it, I sincerely mean it. I don't want to leave this earth without telling the ones that mean the most to me how much I love them. Sometimes I want to say, "I love you so much I want to just squeeze you until your eye-balls pop out." But that might be kinda creepy... and gross.
And then there are those that we have to choose to love... not because we want to necessarily, but because we are called to. There are some people that may get under your skin and you have to make yourself think good thoughts about them. Sometimes it's hard. It's easy to love your friends to death, but it's another story to love the people you might not be too fond of. But it's what we're called to do as followers of Jesus. He loved us ALL so much that He laid down His life for us. He did that even for the people that chose not to love Him. That is the kind of love that I want to have. I want to love every single person in my life unconditionally, even the ones I don't really like.

Here are my 25... make that 15...

Well, insomnia is winning yet again. I'm bored and can't think of anything original to write about, so I'm going to one of those annoying generic Facebook lists.
Here are 25 random things you may or may not know about me:
1. I'm an insomniac, clearly you know that already.
2. I'm going to Africa in less than 3 weeks, which I'm kind of freaking out about. Don't get me wrong, I'm way excited about it and looking forward to it more than anything at the present time.
3. I'm an artist. Everything I own has at least a little bit of paint on it.
4. I'm OCD with my art. My drawing teacher always gets mad at me b/c my work is too "tight." I just want to tell him that's how I draw and to get over it.
5. I've wanted to illustrate children's books since I was in high school. Now I pretty much know I don't want to do art as a living and want to go into children's ministry.
6. I tend to be a grammar nazi. It drives me absolutely insane when people mistake "your" and "you're" or "there" "their" and "they're"... basically anything like that drives me crazy. (thought you'd appreciate that Linds)
7. I go through phases of music. I used to listen to country all the time, then went to pop/rock, then punk and emo, and now I listen to praise music all the time, and I don't think that will change.
8. North Georgia is where my heart is. Not so much the place (although it is beautiful and I love it), but the people there. Going to school there was the best decision I've ever made.
9. With that, I of course have to say that joining Alpha Gam was one of the best decisions I've ever made as well. My sisters are incredible, not to mention my family. They are my heart.
10. I love kids. I used to work at a daycare and although some days I'd want to pull my hair out, it was always, always worth it.
11. I can't help but want a baby. Call me crazy, but I just want one (don't worry though). My friends make fun of me b/c I'll see a precious baby and say "Aww, I want one!"
12. I'm kind of a nerd. I love math and sadly get enjoyment out of taking tests and working through problems. Go ahead... laugh. I also love to read.
13. I want a tattoo on the arch of my foot. I don't know if this will ever happen... 1. I hate needles and 2. my dad would NOT be very happy with me.
14. I'm a listener, not a big talker.
15. Jesus is everything to me and I want to live my life to glorify Him.
Actually, let's make this 15 random facts otherwise this post will be a mile long. Plus, I'm getting tired.

Are you excited?

People keep asking me if I'm excited. Am I excited to go halfway across the world to share the Gospel to tons of children who already have my heart? Heck yes, I'm excited. But with that excitement comes fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of getting out of this box that I've put myself in. Fear of being thrown out of my comfort zone. But at the same time I'm excited about all these things that I fear. Who wants to be stuck in their comfort zone? There isn't any room for growth, and I want to grow. I want to grow as a daughter of Christ. I want to grow in my relationship with Him. In the instances that we grow the most, we are thrown out of our comfort zone into a whole new territory in which we must trust our God with everything we have. It's both exciting and scary at the same time, almost like a circle of emotions. I'm excited to go to Africa, but scared of being out of comfort zone. At the same time, it's exciting for the chance to grow. It's exciting for the chance to change people's lives forever. It's exciting to be able to do some good in this world. It's exciting to have to NEED my Lord, Jesus, to get through it. Am I excited? Yes, I'm excited.

People keep asking about the dangers I may face in a foreign land, "full of diseases" as my dad would say. Well, you know, I have no idea what's going to happen, but I know that it will be God's will. The majority of my family are against me going because they're afraid of what may happen to me. Well, if it's God's will for me to come back safe, healthy, and stronger than when I left, I will. There's no doubt in my mind that God's will is good, whatever that may be. Am I afraid? Well, wouldn't you be? But still, with this, comes excitement. I'm excited to see God's will carry out. I'm excited to lean on Him and trust in Him to keep me safe, it that is indeed the plan. Relying on my God excites me because I know that having to rely on Him brings growth. I want to start in becoming the woman I was meant to be. I am changing: less and less asleep. Made of different stuff than when I began. Am I excited for this? Yes, yes I am.