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May 29th

A year ago today I was on my way to Gainesville, Georgia, embarking on a journey that proved to change my life. That day I met nineteen people, and even though I was scared out of my mind, they were absolutely incredible. They became family, some of which are still some of my best friends. Four days later we were on a plane headed for a tiny country in southern Africa. That summer I was challenged physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I grew, and I continued to grow after I came back.

Now, one year later, this summer cannot look anymore opposite than the last. I’m not in the process of meeting nineteen incredible strangers that will change my life and outlook on the world. I’m not on my way to a country halfway around the world. I’m staying here, right in north Georgia. This is what my day looks like, almost every day: wake up, go to class, drive an hour to work, deal with unruly children at a daycare, drive an hour back to school, and then go to bed. Then I do it again the next day. Even though this summer has turned into a never-ending routine that isn’t exactly as exciting as being in Africa, that doesn’t mean I can’t grow like I did there. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t push myself. It’s time I’ve challenged myself to grow here just as much as I grew there.

Being a creeper has its perks :)

I'm a creeper. It's a fact. But it comes in handy sometimes. I've been able to see what's going on in Nsoko and what awesome things Pastor Gift is doing there.

First, let's talk about Zodwa. She's around 18 and works in Pastor Gift's house. That's really about all I knew about her. She was quiet, plus she didn't know much English. Little did I know, she had an incredible story. Me being a creeper, I found a blog about her. It was written in April of 2009, so it was a few months before we got to Nsoko. At the age of ten, her mother died. Her siblings had all left, whether they lived somewhere else or were just gone. She was all alone. She cleaned houses to survive, and that sustained her needs for about 4 years. Then she had to resort to the inevitable. She had to begin selling her body. She was 14 years old, y'all. And that's the fate for SO many of these young girls. It's either that or death. So, she decided to fight for her life and stay alive. This blog was written less than a year ago, 2 months before we arrived, and Zodwa was still selling her body to survive. I would have never known. We knew her as Pastor Gift's helper. A nanny. A housekeeper. By employing Zodwa and letting her live with them, Pastor Gift literally saved her life. Even with the economy now, we don't realize the extent of what not having a "job" can do. They have to use the only means they have to survive, and for the women/girls, that is their bodies.

Next, we'll talk about the translators... Nelly, Thandie, Innocent, Majabane, and Mxolisi (there's a click in there, therefore I can't say it... most of us called him Nisi.) Thandie's been working for Gift for a while now as well as Mxolisi. Thandie's one of the most beautiful women of God I've ever met. She gets it. She has a son and she's able to provide a decent life for him because of her employment by Pastor Gift. Her sister, Nelly, began translating for us about half way through the trip. We already loved her and had built relationships with her, she just wasn't our translator until later. She's still employed by Pastor Gift and able to provide for her precious son, Phiwa. And our team raised enough money for her to go to school to be a secretary :) The cool thing about Pastor Gift and his ministry to his own team is that he usually picks people that don't really "get it." Majabane, for instance. I don't think he had a real relationship with God until he worked for Gift about halfway through our trip. He saw the guys on our team and really saw what it meant to be a man of God. He gets it now. He understands what it means to be in love with the Lord. It's so awesome. And as for Innocent, he's just awesome. He's got a smile that just lights up the room.

Being the creeper that I am, I found some recent Swazi pictures and ran across one of a girl around 16 that we ministered to. Her name is Nombali. And... she now works for Pastor Gift as a translator. I love seeing how God is working and changing the lives of these young women. Not only does this prevent her having the same fate as Zodwa, but she's going to be face to face with scripture everyday while she translates. She's going to grow just like Majabane did. I'm so excited for the opportunities she's going to have as she works for Pastor Gift.

A Burning Passion

I’ve been confused for a while now what I want to do with my life. Africa kinda turned my world upside down. While I was there, and while being back, God put a fire in my heart for missions. I would absolutely love to make a “career” out of it. But it has its downfalls. First... my family. Not only would it be hard for them for me to be overseas, but it would be hard for me as well. Same goes for friends. Second, I don’t want to raise a family overseas. I went to a debriefing program about a month ago and saw a few families that raised children overseas. I realized in that week of seeing what sacrifices their kids have had to make that I don’t want that for my kids. Those are really the biggest two things that are holding me back.

I think I had come to terms to staying here and living out my life in the states. But since that realization, God’s been throwing me for loops and tugging on my heart ever since. The family thing… it really doesn’t get easier. I don’t want to put an ache in my family’s hearts. At all. But there are sacrifices that you make when you submit your life to the Lord. Maybe this has to be one of those sacrifices. I don’t know. I haven’t really worked that one out yet. The thing about raising my own family overseas and having MKs…. I still don’t want that. But God’s given me this strange peace about the possibility of not having my own family. Which is big. That’s the one thing that I’ve always wanted. My own kids. Now it’s like I’ve had this weird peace about it. I’ve realized that I’d be ministering to children if I went overseas. Those kids would be my kids.

Tonight at chapter, two great things happened. First, my sweet sister, Caitlin, shared something that’s been on her heart. At Sunday school this past weekend, someone read a book, and one sentence really stuck out to Caitlin.

“Go live your heart today.”

She said that God puts desires in your heart for a reason, and sometimes you just gotta let go of what your head is telling you and follow your heart. I love that. God put these desires in my heart for a reason. That doesn’t mean I’m going to jump the gun and move to Africa next week. But it does remind me of this truth, and opens my heart to the possibility of a missionary life. Second, my other sweet sister, Kerry, shared about her mission trip to Haiti. I was able to relate with everything she said. I cried a bit, (which we all know isn’t a surprise) not only because of what she said was incredibly touching, but it reminded me of Nsoko and the piece of my heart that I left there. It reminded me of the passion in my heart for missions and for the unreached, and it made that passion burn that much more. There’s been a battle in my mind and heart about what’s going to happen and what my future’s going to look like. At times I’m okay with not knowing. Others, it’s kind of frustrating, and I just want to know. But I’m trying to let that go. I’m trying to let go, and let God.

God's Faithfulness

Yes, it’s been for freaking ever since I’ve blogged. Sorry. And as a warning, this is long.

It’s always crazy to see how the Lord works and how faithful He is when He doesn’t tell you the whole story, but tells you that it’s going to be okay. I’ve learned that with every obstacle in my life, but I always seem to forget. However, God has a funny way of reminding me when I need it most.

Case in point, this past Christmas… I got some crazy news from some random guy that my mom was his birthmother. Seems like some wild plot from a Lifetime movie, am I right? I thought it was a complete joke or scam. But I couldn’t help but realize how much he looked like my mom, and me, for that matter. The only thing to do was talk to my mom. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. It is for me at least. I don’t do confrontation. It’s the one thing I cannot handle. I was absolutely scared to death. I kept fighting with God, wondering why it had to be me and why I had to be the one responsible with this news. I didn’t understand; I didn’t think I could take it. I know that everything the Lord does is good, but I was still scared to death. What if my dad didn’t know and it somehow split up my family? Several thoughts came to mind, but I had to keep reminding myself that God is good. Always good.

I found an awesome devotional in my new awesome Bible, and it had the perfect passage that gave my heart hope. It said, “There will be times in life when we can’t see the trail. Times when we get sidetracked by a big bump in the road. But we can rest assured that in those times, God will always takes us by our sweaty palms and lead us safely on.” I didn’t see the trail. I didn’t understand what the heck God was doing, but I had to trust that He would take my sweaty palms and lead me the safest way. I knew I couldn’t just ignore my possible half brother, and I would have to talk to my mom. I knew that was where God was leading me. And I knew that He would be faithful.

I can’t tell you how many times I reminded myself of that when I was getting ready to confront my mom. It took at least a week since I had to talk to my mom alone because I wasn’t sure if my dad knew, and that proved harder than I thought. The night I was going to talk to her fell through because she got home from work early. Finally I was able to talk to her like a week later. I thought I was going to throw up all day long. My body obviously doesn’t handle nerves well. She came in my room and sat on my bed because I texted her while she was at work that I needed to talk to her about something. I tell her the story of how JP contacted me and how he said she was his birthmother. She didn’t say anything and finally said she wondered if that day would ever come. It was official, I have a half brother. Then I saw how faithful God was, yet again. She was completely honest with me and said that the baby’s father didn’t want to have anything to do with it, and she thought the baby could have a better life with someone else rather than a single mother working at Kroger. Not only that, but she said that she told my dad before they got married. So, he already knew and accepted it and our family wasn’t going to fall apart. God is good.

Through them getting to communicate as well as me communicating with JP and his adopted mom, I saw how incredible God is and how amazing it was to play a part in their “reunion.” My mom was free. She had been carrying this around as a secret, and she was finally able to be free with everyone. She had wondered for 27 years whether she had done the right thing and if the baby she had carried for 9 months and given birth to was okay. Now she knew he had flourished in a loving home. JP was free as well. He had always known that he was adopted because his parents had been open with him, so he had wondered for 27 years if he was just some mistake and had been a burden to someone. There was a piece of his heart missing. Now he knows that he wasn’t just some bad mistake, that my mom had loved him enough to try and make the best decision for his own good. His heart is whole and he’s been smiling more now than he ever has been. Because God used me, my mom is free and JP doesn’t have a gaping hole in his heart anymore. Are there any more blessings God could have showered on us? Yes, yes there were. Turns out JP’s mother wasn’t able to have children, and three adoptions had already fallen through. They didn’t think they were going to have kids. But then she received a son, the greatest gift in the world. My mom changed her life forever. I don’t think the kid could have gotten a better mother. She brought him up in a loving, Christian home, and she would do anything for him. She sent my mom a loving letter and told her what a priceless gift she had given her. My mom knew that she had made the right decision, and realized what an unbelievable impact on others that decision had made. God is good. God is faithful.

And it doesn’t end there. For 27 years, JP had the dream of meeting his birthmother. A dream he probably thought would never come true. A week ago, that dream did come true. He met his birthmother. And I met my half brother. After lots of tears from his mother, my mother, and everyone else, our family has grown. Not many people get a new family for Christmas. We did :)

My path might have been difficult, but God led me safely on. He was faithful. He allowed little ol’ me to help change the lives of so many people, my mom and new brother being two of them. I can’t tell you how bad I didn’t want to listen to God and wanted to take the easy way out. Think if I had. Think of all these blessings we would have missed out on. God knows what He’s doing. God is always good. He is always faithful.