A Burning Passion

I’ve been confused for a while now what I want to do with my life. Africa kinda turned my world upside down. While I was there, and while being back, God put a fire in my heart for missions. I would absolutely love to make a “career” out of it. But it has its downfalls. First... my family. Not only would it be hard for them for me to be overseas, but it would be hard for me as well. Same goes for friends. Second, I don’t want to raise a family overseas. I went to a debriefing program about a month ago and saw a few families that raised children overseas. I realized in that week of seeing what sacrifices their kids have had to make that I don’t want that for my kids. Those are really the biggest two things that are holding me back.

I think I had come to terms to staying here and living out my life in the states. But since that realization, God’s been throwing me for loops and tugging on my heart ever since. The family thing… it really doesn’t get easier. I don’t want to put an ache in my family’s hearts. At all. But there are sacrifices that you make when you submit your life to the Lord. Maybe this has to be one of those sacrifices. I don’t know. I haven’t really worked that one out yet. The thing about raising my own family overseas and having MKs…. I still don’t want that. But God’s given me this strange peace about the possibility of not having my own family. Which is big. That’s the one thing that I’ve always wanted. My own kids. Now it’s like I’ve had this weird peace about it. I’ve realized that I’d be ministering to children if I went overseas. Those kids would be my kids.

Tonight at chapter, two great things happened. First, my sweet sister, Caitlin, shared something that’s been on her heart. At Sunday school this past weekend, someone read a book, and one sentence really stuck out to Caitlin.

“Go live your heart today.”

She said that God puts desires in your heart for a reason, and sometimes you just gotta let go of what your head is telling you and follow your heart. I love that. God put these desires in my heart for a reason. That doesn’t mean I’m going to jump the gun and move to Africa next week. But it does remind me of this truth, and opens my heart to the possibility of a missionary life. Second, my other sweet sister, Kerry, shared about her mission trip to Haiti. I was able to relate with everything she said. I cried a bit, (which we all know isn’t a surprise) not only because of what she said was incredibly touching, but it reminded me of Nsoko and the piece of my heart that I left there. It reminded me of the passion in my heart for missions and for the unreached, and it made that passion burn that much more. There’s been a battle in my mind and heart about what’s going to happen and what my future’s going to look like. At times I’m okay with not knowing. Others, it’s kind of frustrating, and I just want to know. But I’m trying to let that go. I’m trying to let go, and let God.