Not Fair

God started breaking my heart and molding me from the very first day we were in Nsoko. Our first full day there was the 6th of June, which was a Saturday. We really just took the day to rest from our extensive plane ride and travels from JoBurg to Manzini, then finally to Nsoko. All we did was play with kids, and it was so much fun. We brought a guitar (such a blessing on this trip!) and we played it outside on the back deck for so long. We danced with the kids... yes, I danced... and we had a blast together. We sang, we played games, and I instantly fell in love with the place. Here's part of what I wrote in my journal, "The joy in some of the kids' faces was incredible. Some of them had looks of emptiness that was heartbreaking. The smells were unbelievable." Remembering some of the kids that had empty stares is still heartbreaking. As much as we tried to get them to open up and play, they didn't budge. What kind of tragedies does a child go through that they can't even smile? I saw a lot of empty faces on this trip, and you just don't get used to it. A child should be able to laugh and dance and play and have no worries. It's not like that there. And the smells... I don't think I ever got used to that. We saw the same kids day in and day out and they always had the same clothes on. Water is precious and they can't waste it just to bathe and wash their clothes.
That night, while dinner was being cooked, we saw some kids had come back and were sitting outside. So, Kyra and I went outside to sit with the 4 kids. I recognized one of them from the day when I was playing with her... which at the time I thought was a boy because her voice was so deep from always being sick and coughing all the time. Later I found out her name was Bongiwe, she's 12, and is in grade 4. Anyway, we sat there and I held her hand for awhile. It's incredible how much love they receive just by holding someone's hand. Becca came out with the guitar and sang worship music. A few other teammates came out as well and sat underneath the incredible stars and worshiped God by candellight. By that time I was holding Bongiwe in front of me while I sat on the gravel. She was resting her head on her hand and kept dozing off, so I finally positioned her so she could rest her head on my chest. She slept on me for a good two and half hours, if not more. The whole time I kept wondering when the last time she was held while she slept. Or even when the last time she slept in a warm place. All I could think of doing was pouring out love on her because she probably doesn't get it at home... and much later I found out that her dad ran off or died (I can't remember) and her mom doesn't care about them and does drugs. I didn't want anything to stop God using me to love her. My back hurt after about 20 minutes... my butt was completely numb... she peed on me at some point... but God gave me strength and willpower to persevere through that and not move. I'll never forget sitting there under the stars, holding her, singing to God. Finally Matt, our leader, came outside and saw the kids. He called Pastor Gift to tell him, and he told us we were going to drive them home. We got in the kombi and drove. They have to walk so far. And they didn't have shoes. It's just not fair. We got to their driveway and helped them get out. It was hard just seeing them walk away, not knowing what kind of environment they were going into. Obviously their parents didn't care, because no one came looking for them. On the way back we just rode in silence and I talked to God. It's just not fair. Why should I get fed 3 meals a day when she's lucky to get one, and has to walk miles just to get it? It's not fair that they live in such poverty when we have so much. It's not fair that they don't receive the amount of love they deserve. It's just not fair. The next morning when I was cleaning up breakfast, she was back. So early in the morning, when no other kids were there, she was. She's there all day looking for love because she can't find someone at home to love on her the same way. It's just not fair.

Bongiwe and I